Why is it so hard to hear intuition in relationships?

I asked the expert....Orna! And you know Orna has answers

In honor of V********’s D*y, let’s talk about intuition in relationships.

Because how many times have you said you want one thing and run like your hair is on fire toward the exact opposite?

Intuition is our ability to know something without knowing why. It can guide us away from danger—avoiding that sketchy alleyway— and toward what is good for us— friends, cities, jobs, you name it. I spent four years researching it for my forthcoming nonfiction book, Everyday Intuition, speaking to neuroscientists, psychologists, and everyday people who use intuition at a high level in every imaginable realm of life: medicine, decision-making, career, child rearing, and beyond. And lemme tell ya, romantic relationships are the most difficult area to connect to our actual intuition.

Our friends will say they want one kind of partner– someone kind, stable, and respectful– and then go running off with the underemployed effboy of the moment. We’ve all been there– our mouths may say one thing but our behavior contradicts our words. In relationships, we are contending with the dynamics of our family upbringing and social pressures to be partnered up. Our inner voices can easily get drowned out under all that noise.

And even when our inner alarms are sounding, it can be hard to summon the strength to act. I interviewed a mother of two who, at the height of the Covid lockdown, learned that her husband had been cheating on her and lying about it for years. Looking back over her marriage, she told me, “I knew that something was wrong. I had intuitions about him at the time. But I let my rational mind override them. I would explain to myself why what he said made sense.” When we rationalize away red flags and the data intuition provides, that, my friends, is magical thinking.

I knew there was but one person on this planet who could answer this vexing predicament of how out intuitive compasses can really be quite miscalibrated when it comes to romance. And that person is the one and only Jungian goddess and star of Couples Therapy Orna Guralnik.

(My crazy eyes are all for her)

I asked Orna why this might be. Why are we so often attracted to scoundrels who are no good for us? “People will just feel drawn to another who seems like they have the key to a question,” she told me. But looking for an answer to a question in another person is not as worthwhile an exercise as examining the question itself.

What question am I asking by choosing this particular partner? What answer am I hoping to get? That I’m worthy/lovable/smart enough? A bit later in our interview she used the phrase “intergenerational errand” and I almost fell off my chair. When our intuition is wonky in this area, and when we keep repeating patterns of choosing inappropriate partners or the relationship always stalls out at the six month mark, that’s a good time for therapy, HRH Guralnik advises.

But if therapy is not your bag, there are some other practices you can apply to better hear your intuition in relationships.