Dear Liz: Is everyone mad at me?
Yes. Everyone. All of them.
Today I’ve got a reader question that will resonate with the more paranoid Pollys among us, aka my readership!
Dear Liz,
Is everyone mad at me? Sometimes it’s challenging to avoid adhering the narrative that everyone is, in fact, mad at me! I want to be the type of friend that exercises self awareness and initiate a change in behavior or apology when I’m wrong… but how do I do that without falling into the pitfall of despair that everyone hates me?!
From,
You Go, Glen Coco
Dear YGGC,
I didn’t want to be the one to tell you, but it’s true. Everyone is mad at you. They hear your name and they seethe, they think of you and they spit. They’ve taken to Wikipedia to edit the page about cockroaches replacing the blattodea with your visage. They host effigy parties where they build and burn your likeness.
PSYCHE! Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Your question shows you not only as a paranoid narcissist, but also as a sensitive, empathetic person who values relationships and the feelings of your beloveds. This reflects the annoying universal truth that the people who are worried about being the subjects of someone’s ire are often the last who should be, analogous to the idea that the wrong people are going to therapy and the desire to hold an elected office should bar one from being able to run.
I think your question also points to just how hard it is to have clarity on the most essential things these days. Everyone is overloaded with um, this shit show, and responsibilities, the strum und drang of daily life and social media doesn’t make divining reality any easier. Why is Susie posting on Instagram when she hasn’t returned my text?! Bitch even has her read receipts on! It’s really easy to take it all personally, not that I would know anything about that (*takes out special rag for polishing petty slights and grudges*).
Here are a few frameworks I find helpful for evaluating whether and when to trust my intuition, and when that persistent inner voice might be something more of a bad soap opera doppelganger, when the same actress just throws on a wig and colored contacts…
Where are you with HALT?
Remember our friend H(ungry)A(ngry)L(onely)T(ired)? This is the RSTLNE of unreliable narrators. So, first layer, is where are you with the old faithfuls? If you are even a bit peckish or just slightly unmoored you are NOT I REPEAT NOT to hit send on any message. Next layer is where are you with your personal HALT? Are you having these downloads at night, when the inner critic is especially unhinged? Or are you about to get your period or go on a family trip or experience any other manner of discomfort that might be clouding your judgment? In these cases our friend intuition is to help us determine the next best step in the order of “pee” or “lie down,” not “send out APB google survey asking acquaintances to rate their level of irritation with me on 1-10 scale.” Only once you are clean, clear, and under control can you start making any big proclamations about, well, anything really.
What does your inner voice sound like?
Anxiety sounds like Bethenny Frankel impersonating Jill Zarin: mean, nasal, up in your grill, wanting it all in a New York minute. Intuition on the other hand, sounds like Jennifer Piercy, an angel who fell to earth to teach us how to relax. If the inner voice is demanding answers NOWNOWNOW that’s more than likely your sweet amygdala feeling discomfort with the uncertainty of not knowing once and for all if everyone is mad at you. And here’s the annoying thing about uncertainty: it will ALWAYS feel uncomfortable. We are built to seek certainty and not finding it will always make us cross. The only way to move on dot org is to name it. Don’t even waste time trying to cultivate comfort with uncertainty, just oh, you again.
If this voice comes in gently yet persistently, like a little tap on the shoulder that hey, do reach out to Susie to see how she’s feeling after you auditioned new material about her boyfriend after half a dozen spicy margs. Intuition might give you information you don’t like (pick up the phone) but the tone will be gentle and direct.
Anxiety is a question, intuition is a comment
Say it loud for the people in back! This framework from Derya Altan is the quickest and dirtiest. If your inner voice is a spiral squad of “Is Susie mad at me?” you, madame, are anxiety. If the syntax is more a declarative statement a la “Susie is mad at me” that could be intuition.
And why don’t you just find out anyway?
A real friend is not suddenly going to become mad at you for asking whether they are mad at you. So if you go in undefended like, “Hey, love you girl, and I’m concerned I may have done something to upset you, whatever it is, I’m here to hear you out,” then in the best case scenario that might strengthen your friendship, or at least give you feedback on your intuition and whether you are on to something or not. We can be analytical about our intuition! Get some feedback and plot it in your intuition spreadsheet, why don’t you? Were you right? Wrong? What did it feel like? How did you know? Even if your friend is mad at you (and I don’t think she is), you at least got some data on your intuition.
EVERYDAY INTUITION events!
TONIGHT May 1: Is it anxiety or intuition? workshop in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Get your tickets here. (And there’s a cute McNally Jackson tote and an even cuter EI sticker for participants!!!)
May 6: Everyday Intuition launch party at Powerhouse Arena! RSVP here
(No but really RSVP through Powerhouse if you’re planning on coming so they put out enough CHAIRS and you are not crying about your aching BACK the next day!) (I ordered a sheet cake!!!!))
May 9: TheLi.st virtual event at lunchtime! RSVP here
May 28: In conversation with Jo Piazza at Head House in Philadelphia! RSVP here
June 9: In conversation with Swan Huntley at Godmothers in Santa Barbara! RSVP here
While you’re either pacing from the intensity of watching The Pitt or bereft since finishing The Pitt might I recommend…
This guest post I wrote for my favorite Substack Oldster on how having elders and being elders is crucial for intuitive development.
And I had a truly excellent conversation with Amanda Montell, who is royalty.
Seeing Pride and Prejudice on the big screen for its 20th anniversary! Dare I say this is a PERFECT film, and people were FREAKING OUT during '“You have bewitched me, body and soul.” And don’t forget this Mr. Darcy is also the first time I fell in love with my husband.
This excellent essay by Ruthie Ackerman on maternal ambivalence.
Breasts by Jean Hannah Edelstein. I will never stop thinking about this book.
The Float Test by Lynn Steger Strong. No one does family drama better than LSS.
Boomerang: As I fully descend into pre-publication psychosis the ability to pause my inbox is nothing short of a godsend. Not like there’s anything in there that’s so overwhelming, it’s just that my thumb has a mind of its own and this keeps the guardrails on tight!
The cherry blossoms have entered their confetti era, is anything more magical?
Order my book Everyday Intuition (an Amazon #1 new release in ESP lol what has anyone ever read anything ever?) as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.
Hire me for a workshop or talk on intuition by sending a message on my website.
For some tips, tricks, and full-throated recommendations, check out my archive. Paid subscribers have full access.
I hope somebody looks at you one day the way I looked at my hamburger cake.