Bust Your Pants Wide Open

See you in hell, shapewear

Photo by Umesh Soni on Unsplash

Last week, I attended friends’ annual Diwali party. The previous year, I was idiotically participating in a Whole30 and could not indulge in the gorgeous passed cocktails and delicacies. I was curtailed from having the time of my life by my own ill-intentions/very limited discipline streak and the poor partygoers were deprived of me drunkenly telling anyone in my vicinity how much I love the country, people, and culture of India after spending six (6) weeks at a dreamy residency in Bangalore in 2015

This year would be different, I said.

Another difference I was inspired to improve upon was to show up at least a little turned out, as my hostess and others wore saris that pop your eyeballs from your skull-,so gorgeous they were. I opted for a new pair of wide-legged sparkly silver metallic pants I’d yet to wear that I’d recently bought at one of my favorite local stores.

I know you know about proportions when it comes to wide legged pants, which is why we must endure yet again the midriffs of young people complimenting their off-brand JNCO styles. It is simply the balance fashion calls for, I don’t make the rules. In order to pull this look off I deployed the most industrial shapewear I could get my hands on so as to contain my midsection for a formfitting bodysuit.

My smushed organs were “worth it” for a hot second that is, until I had approximately three bites of food and three sips of a cocktail at this Obama administration haunt where Scott and I met for dinner beforehand. Mid-meal, I excused myself to the ladies’ to, ahem, remove the medieval torture device. Climbing back into my trousers though, there was a problem. I tried to zip and the zipper said no way.

I recommend: Ditching your shapewear in the bathroom, busting the side zip of your pants open, and going to the party anyway.